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Can we talk about haggis? I can make you this promise: if you follow us to Scotland, you WILL talk about haggis. More than you can ever imagine. And, the chances are very, very good that you will EAT haggis, at least once, more if you decide (as we did) that haggis is one of those things like oral sex – an absolute sensual delight, and sort of strangely delicious. Or, alternatively, if the quality is poor, it can ruin your whole day and even throw you off giving it another go any time soon.
Let’s be honest, no two episodes of certain human activities are exactly the same, and eating haggis is one of those that lies on a broad continuum. When it’s good, it’s really good, but when it’s bad, whoo boy! We had both the good and the bad. (All of it is ugly.) But, when in Rome, (or the Scottish Highlands as the case may be)…
For those who are asking themselves, “wtf is she talking about?” Allow me to enlighten. Haggis is a form of meat product. One generally purchases haggis from a butcher shop in Scotland, however it is also found packaged in grocery stores. We had haggis appetizers that were startlingly delicious little canapés that were served with a fantastic flight of Scotch whiskey (in thimble-sized glasses), and we had haggis sandwiches (nothing I would recommend, unless say, you are a fan of SPAM jerky) and we had haggis on toast with breakfast (don’t even ask).
We even visited haggis at the source at a wonderful butcher shop in Sterling. The head butcher there waxed poetic about the stuff for long enough to let us know that his “haggis talk” is one of the main amusements available in his little town for tourists passing through. He made his version of haggis sound pretty good and it even looked kind of good, but alas, we were not in the market for “raw” haggis without the facilities to prepare it. Maybe we really missed out or might be another bullet dodged. We will just never know.
Food-wise, Scotland is famous also for fresh fish and it is always available on almost every menu in every restaurant and expertly prepared in the better restaurants. Lake fish is plentiful but coastal fish are lovely, too. No risks involved in the fish choice. Also in the food & beverage department you will want to hit up a Scotch distillery while in Scotland and up north these are everywhere. The vibe in the district (and within the tasting rooms) is “wine country chic” except of course the liquid refreshment is Scotch, not vino. We were told that the Japanese are buying up all the distilleries in Scotland but we did not confirm that rumor.
So, you’ve tasted haggis, you bought your friends an L80.00 bottle of scotch and next up, you have to go see the Loch Ness monster. Oh, you do, but not because you will see her. (You’ll see the plastic replica floating in the pond at the Loch Ness tourist trap and you’ll see the highly suspect film sightings if you pay the exorbitant entry fee – we did not; we are what you might call monster non-believers.) The reason to make the effort to get to Loch Ness of course is the startling geography and stunning beauty, within a day trip of Glasgow airport.
We recommend for a quick and dirty trip to Scotland, at the very least, do Edinburgh, Inverness, Loch Ness and Isle of Skye. The Scottish Highlands will blow your mind. You think you’ve seen green? Hah! Go to Scotland. Now, you’ve seen green. Think you’ve seen some interesting topography? Just go already. Nothing compares. Nothing. It is tempting to think that there is indeed a benevolent deity up there in the (Isle of) Skye. One that has favored the Scottish people with a land of unsurpassed beauty, and, okay, if not the greatest culinary experiences, at least well, the greatest Scotch whiskey in all the world.
But, then…there are the midges. Midges are something like mosquitos but much smaller. They exist in clouds and the bite packs a wallop for such a tiny pest. The existence of midges make it impossible to open your doors or ride in the car with the windows open. Signs in the inns warn of the hazards of open windows and doors. You cannot stroll around in the dusky evening without attracting an actual personal detail of these wicked little demons from the netherworld.
So, if you do believe that there is a God, and if you come to believe that he must dearly love the Scottish because he surely favored the Scottish people in all other things, just remember, he also gave them the midges and just one bite from one flea sized mother fucker midge, and you will know: God is kind of a dick, too.
