The Republic of San Marino

The First Tower of San Marino on top of Mount Titano
The First Tower of San Marino on top of Mount Titano

The Serene Republic of San Marino is the independent country you’ve never heard of. And nobody you know ever went there. Until now.

Home to 35,000 people, who, for all intents and purposes, are Italians, each one of them will correct you if they must. They are “Marinese”, NOT Italian. The good citizens of San Marino, it seems, have been nobly suffering their only neighbors, the Italians, since the Republic was established in 301 AD, but any one of them will eagerly tell you, if the opportunity arises, that they don’t like it when Italians drive up from beyond Rimini (about an hour down the mountainside) to take jobs in San Marino that rightfully belong to Marinese locals. Nobody actually said the word “wetback” but apparently there’s a drop or two of bad blood that goes back to roughly the 13th century. (Fearing that Guido might spit in our pasta, we kept our silly, over-rated, liberal California opinions about immigration reform wisely to ourselves.)

It took them just over 700 years to do it, but eventually the World Heritage Committee got around to designating San Marino as worthy of addition to its list as “an exceptional testimony of the establishment of a representative democracy …blah, blah, blah…”. Followers of our site will appreciate already that the Desto3 team members are for the most part cultural and historical philistines. We therefore perhaps lacked the committee’s requisite appreciation for all the usual claptrap that typically draws their attention.

Suffice to say, the confines of the tiny town of San Marino contain sufficient well preserved structural testament to European history. To mention but a few: a museum dedicated exclusively to torture, AND a Museum of Ancient Weapons. (Unbelievably these are exclusive attractions.) More than enough sacred sites, (including no fewer than 6 consecrated churches and 2 additional Basilicas, each one honoring a different celebrity-saint). The minimum quota of grand towers (3), which for a fee you can climb, but, watch your head. An actual changing of the guard replete with garishly uniformed pompous young men undoubtedly born to the job. In short, enough of each category to excite even the most devoted Roman Catholic, or the most dedicated pasty historian, or, the biggest admirer of shrines to man’s inhumanity to man, or any combination of the three.

Perhaps, (to make up for the tardy honors?) the WHC perseverates: “San Marino is an exceptional testimony to a living cultural tradition that has persisted over the last seven hundred years.”

All this to say that for seven centuries the world’s oldest Republic, surrounded on all sides, has nevertheless managed to maintain, not only sovereignty, but also a palpable superiority (and the attendant airs) over their only border neighbors, the lowly Italians. Impressive as it might seem that these, (by regional reputation), “hearty” folk managed to avoid assimilation for over seven centuries, I, for one, am not that quick to credit the Marinese with extraordinary resolve. One needs only to take the one hour bus ride (UP, way up), from the coastal resort town of Rimini, (notably fancied greatly by none other than Signor Frederico Fellini), to understand how this fete of independence may have had more to do with a simple accident of geography, (and no doubt also the somewhat somnolent nature of the Italians, who everybody knows would rather eat and make love than make war – the paid foreign mercenaries of the Roman Empire notwithstanding).

Simply put, the location of San Marino, high atop Mt. Titano’s forbidding, rocky and steeply rising 2,425 ft. elevation made it perfect for what it is…an ideal locale for a prison, a sanctuary for smugglers, (even in modern times), and a place the Italians could give a pass to, seemingly into eternity. (Who gives as a gift two canons to a country that could only fire canon balls to the gift giver? One surmises that when the Italian government dragged these nasty armaments up the mountain and presented them as presents they assumed that the Marinese weren’t going to shoot canon balls down the mountain onto the benevolent.)

Changing of the Guard at the Palace
Changing of the Guard at the Palace

In addition to this arguably lurid and bloody history, currently San Marino remains a haven for gun-runners and purveyors of fine Italian leather-ware or what I like to call, Death-and-Handbags-R-Us. For every cute little shop in town packed floor to ceiling with the latest in Gucci and Luis Vuitton, (and there are about a hundred of them in just two square miles), there’s a partner store selling every kind of firepower an NRA member could covet. It’s Wayne La Pierre’s wet dream up there, but the shop-keeps claim that they do not sell ammunition and the automatic rifles and Glocks are “just for war simulation games”. Sure, dude. And I still weigh what it says on my California drivers license, too. But, whatever. Pablo inquired within but he wouldn’t let me go inside, fearing that where I can occasionally exercise a modicum of restraint when it comes to immigration reform, on the gun nut issue, I’m likely to lose my shit and tear somebody a new one. No international incidents for P.

Gun Shop in San Marino for "simulated war games"
Gun Shop in San Marino for “simulated war games”

It made me super sad though to think of where all those guns are going to wind up and who they’re likely to kill, and who doesn’t care one whit about that mayhem as long as they can pocket their dirty blood money. For that reason alone, you can say I’m not a fan of San Marino. It would seem as though the place is nothing more than a gross shrine to crass commercial consumerism and gun nuttery.

I guess there are worse “Republics” on #3, but I can’t name one. Oh, wait, never mind…

Shop-keep on San Marino's "Rue de Crapola"
Shop-keep on San Marino’s “Rue de Crapola”

Bologna Italy

P.zza Maggiore, Bologna
P.zza Maggiore, Bologna

Greetings from Bologna, Italy.

We will have to research the connections between the name of this town and a certain luncheon meat notably sold in the states by a guy who sings and drives a weiner-mobile. Someone with time on their hands, please get on that right away won’t you? We are doing our own research by stuffing our faces with other delicious local deli meats (and cheeses).

Our hotel, the Art Hotel Commercianti, (one of four Bologna Art Hotels) is quite charming. It’s tucked down a small street just off the main square and our balcony looks out onto the Cathedral. (So…pigeons, but you take the bad with the good, no?)

Art Hotel Commercianti, Bologna
Art Hotel Commercianti, Bologna

The desk clerk recommended the Trattoria da Gianni (Via Clavature 18, Bologna) – a five minute walk from the hotel and Holy Mary, Mother of God, now I remember why Italy is the food capital of the world. (Not France, imho. I’ve eaten some pretty tasteless merde in France whereas in Italy even the ubiquitous ham and cheese sammies taste like something made in heaven. (Must be the bread. And the cheese. And the ham. Which they don’t allow you to take into the states so I’m pretty seriously considering a short risky career in meat smuggling some time very soon.)

Trattoria Gianni, Bologna
Trattoria Gianni, Bologna

In keeping with today’s theme, (which somehow seems to be all things meat)…last night I ate a tagliatelle with Bolognese sauce that made me swoon. How can such simple fare be so delicious? This is what Bolognese sauce is supposed to taste like! Of course they make the pasta fresh, too. That certainly doesn’t hurt a meal. And, then there was that fabuloso Riserva that came recommended by Michele, the owner. You do have to hand it to the Italians, they are so understated. The man pours a glass of liquid red perfection and then he just steps back, smiles a sweet, suave smile as if to say, “Yes, I know, our little local vino just knocked your freaking American sox off, didn’t it?” And, it truly did. We kept it healthy towards the end with a bowl of fresh cut fruit (the word “salad” is inadequate here) and a small unexpected little cheat, a complimentary shot of Limoncello (Gracie, Diego!).

So if you ever get to Bologna, and surprisingly I kind of recommend that you make that happen -who knew? – we were just considering it a necessary stop to get to San Marino. I DO NOT CARE what the Lonely Planet says, go to Trattoria da Gianni for dinner. You will thank me. Service=spectacular, and you know how sometimes in Italy that just isn’t so. Food=wonderful local traditional meals (see above). And, a great ambience and good value mean you won’t be hearing any English at the next table over and you won’t need to negotiate the sale of your first born child to pay the mortgage when you get home.

Next desto, San Marino, an entirely independent nation state that NEVER WAS PART OF ITALY, DAMN IT! As always, we wish you were here.

Amgen Tour of California

Amgen Tour of California - Stage 5 Finish in Santa Barbara
Amgen Tour of California – Stage 5 Finish in Santa Barbara

This is classic So Cal. It’s a picture that makes me proud to live in a place where flip flops are such an onerous burden you simply have to take a load off and slip out of them when you get a chance. This young lady was spotted at a VIP reception put on by TREK TRAVEL up in Santa Barbara this week where we went to welcome the TREK riders from the Tour of California at the finish line.

FeetLet me tell you… It’s GOOD to be a VIP. Especially when it involves a perfectly chilled grassy local Sauvignon Blanc (never ending pours) and noshes like bacon wrapped scallops and mini crab cakes. Apologies to my vegan friends and the pig. There are a lot of “Premium” Bike Tour companies now, but nobody does it better than TREK, and this is not just the copious amounts of free booze and luscious seafood talking. We’ve taken five trips with TREK. In country and international. I’ve got nothing but love for TREK TRAVEL. (Unfortunately this is not a sponsored ad – just organic love spilling forth – although if you go on one of their supported bike trips you do get some pretty neat swag.)

After a mere century in the saddle – a hundred miles for those of you who don’t bike, and that’s a damn shame if you ask me, (in 100 degree heat and climbing mountains) the TREK pros jumped into showers, and lickety split, presented themselves at the reception, graciously signing autographs and posing for pictures with geezers 3 times their age who still fantasize about riding the Giro d’ Italia on a TREK Madone 5.

Trek president John Burke interviewing Jens Voigt
Trek president John Burke interviewing Jens Voigt
Axel Merckx, son of the legendary 4 time Tour de France winner Eddie
Axel Merckx, son of the legendary 4 time Tour de France winner Eddie

Three days later the tour wrapped up with the Sky team’s Bradley Wiggins in the yellow jersey. (He won – in case you aren’t in the know when it comes to bike lingo.)

Bradley Wiggins in the Yellow Jersey, overall winner of the Tour of California, 2014
Bradley Wiggins in the Yellow Jersey, overall winner of the Tour of California, 2014

Temecula

Temecula

Desto3 greetings from Temecula California or as Southern Californians call it, the “other wine country”.

In the U.S. THE wine country is and always will be the Napa Valley, (Napa/Sonoma). That’s a given. Okay, yeah, yeah, everybody here saw “Sideways” and ever since that movie came out Santa Barbara and Paso Robles think they are all that and a bag of chips, but, Jeez Louise, you guys have the majestic Pacific Ocean for cryin’ out loud…can you give the little inland town of Temecula a break? And, some vine love? Rise above, Central Coast. Be nice. Share the love. (Of the vino.)

Sure, I too had my Sideways-Santa Barbara period. (Just say NO! to merlot.) And, further north, Pablo and I have shared more than a few decent reds and a few decent bike rides amongst the noble vineyards in the rolling hills of San Luis Obispo. But, I have to say this: I am currently a little bit in love with Temecula, and here’s why. It’s trying so hard. You have to love a town that knows it’s not Hertz, it’s not Avis, it isn’t even Enterprise. Temecula, if you let me extend this sketchy metaphor, is Europcar. And by that I mean it isn’t Napa. Or, the Central Coast. Or even Livermore, which has a happening little wine-town revival going on. It’s kind of like “wine country for beginners”. It’s down south for starters, almost to the Mexican border, and who thinks of wine when you say San Diego? See? But, swear to the gods of enology, rumor has it they are bottling some half way decent wines down there. Who knew? Well, now we do and so you do too.

And, here’s another thing about little Temecula, California: it’s charming. The downtown of the old town area is bustling with quaint shops, eateries and pubs. It has a nice little Rue du Crapola, if that’s your thing. Oddly, I actually like it quite a bit better than San Diego’s Old Town area even though it lacks the whole “Old California Mission vibe”. What’s lacking in authenticity in terms of an “Old World Spanish” flair however is more than compensated for by the winery folks (and there are dozens now) who display an obvious penchant for anything faux French. So, if you are hankering for a teensy little taste of something with a European flavor without actually having to get a passport, spend a night or two in Temecula. I highly recommend the Inn at Europa Village  (out of town about 4 miles) that gives you a killer view of the surrounding cultivated hillsides and the misty mountains in the distance. You could be in France. (Bordeaux.) Or Italy. (Tuscany). Or Spain. (Basque country). Chef Dean does the brekkie and it is spectacular. If you don’t take the crack of dawn balloon ride, you can still watch them take off from your private balcony. But, we took the ride with D & D Ballooning  so you could see this photo. (My motto: No Child Left A Dime.) (Sorry kids.)

Another opportunity for a bit of Europa without leaving home is the Shamrock Irish Pub just up the road in Murietta. Oh, what a fine time you’ll have. Two nice limey-boyos own the pub and they’ll provide real pints of fine brew and live music that’ll have you off your feet and dancin’ a jig before you know what hit ya’. Surely now, one of God’s finest miracles is the corned beef and cabbage…delicious and truly authentic. You’ll swear your Irish gran cooked it up special for your Sunday supper. But, if you prefer, order the fish and chips. Best F&C this side of the Atlantic, don’t you know. And, trust your server for a wine rec. ‘Tis the wine country, boyo, and these servers know their stuff. All in all if you can’t go to Europe this summer, do yourself the next best. Temecula for a taste of France. And the Shamrock for an Irish/English pub experience. But check the live music schedule and make sure the gypsy band Quel Bordel  is playing and the wee Irish dancers are kicking up their heels for ya’. Slainte!

Quel Bordel

Lancaster Poppy Reserve

Poppy Field - photographed by Brennis Lucero-Wagoner
Poppy Field – photographed by Brennis Lucero-Wagoner

Desto-Greetings from Antelope Valley, California

Less than two hours from downtown Los Angeles, in Antelope Valley’s Poppy Reserve, if you hurry, you might still be able (just) to get your Dorothy on, although, not really. As tempting as it might be to do so, you aren’t actually allowed to romp into the wildflower meadow ala that iconic scene from The Wizard of Oz. (No doubt you will remember when Dorothy and Toto ran pall mall into the poppy field.) You can’t do that. You MUST stay on the trails! And, even if you think that rule doesn’t really apply to you, so why not sneak a nifty photo of precious YOU in the middle of infinite fields of glorious poppies? – think twice, because according to the park ranger, the incidence of snake bite to those with the very same sneaky ambitions is a DAILY occurrence. Some days, multiple snake bite victims. Notably, the ONLY actual wildlife we saw WAS a rattle snake (and some monster big ravens gliding overhead in the thermals). So, I recommend that you satisfy your inner Tin Man with a lengthy hike up the trail (stay on it) to the crest and be rewarded with a majestic view down onto glorious hillocks blanketed with poppies. The best scene of its kind west of …let’s just say, (if it doesn’t make you weary)… Kansas. But, you had better act with some haste. The wildflower season only lasts another week or so (if that). I also advise, if you can, go during the week. Weekends are crowded and traffic is gnarly and there’s only one small parking lot. The poppies won’t open if it’s cold or windy, so check conditions. And, bring H2O. Lots. And a ten spot for the parking. Leave your Toto at home/no dogs allowed. Get up to date info at www.parks.ca.gov

Hollywood and Beyond

Today’s Desto…Hollywood, California! (And, outlying communities.) Sorry, subscribers, this one is long, but, hey! It’s our home town edition!

Santa Monica Beach from the Pier
Santa Monica Beach from the Pier

A couple summers ago I had the good fortune to host five young rock stars from France at my house in the suburbs of Los Angeles. The day they were leaving to go back to France, I asked the members of BandapArt if there was anything last minute they wanted to see in LA before they left. Unanimously they voted to see the HOLLYWOOD sign and Rodeo Drive. So, off we went and of course, mostly what they got to see was the Hollywood/Ventura freeways and a long schlep up Wilshire Blvd. But, yeah, they saw “the sign” from the viewing deck off the back of the Dolby Theatre, (BFD), and then we rolled down Rodeo, too, but nary a movie star was out for our viewing pleasure, (which was the whole point of the excursion, I’m sure).

As a mecca for celebrities, Hollywood and B-Hills were a little disappointing that day.

As a tour guide, I was a little embarrassed about how seedy Hollywood was/is and really embarrassed when Minnie Mouse followed us up Hollywood Boulevard demanding a bigger tip. (Really, when did the Disney characters become aggressive extortionists? C’mon, Minnie, I gave your pal, Mickey a five. Go get your cut from him.) But, Minnie wasn’t having it. She chased us for blocks. Let me tell you, Minnie Mouse can be an intimidating b-word when she wants to be. Things almost got physical and truthfully the whole sordid affair with the dirty little rodent soured me on Hollywood. I swore I’d never go back, but, here’s the thing…two years later I wanted badly to see The Book of Mormon at the Pantages Theatre, so, this week, Desto3 went to… Hollywood, California!

Pantages Theatre - Book of Morman
Pantages Theatre – Book of Morman

When you live here, it’s easy to lose track of what an iconic city Los Angeles is. But, I tried my best to “do” LA like a tourist would do it. For instance, I took the Metro from North Hollywood in “the valley” (how locals refer to the San Fernando Valley – just one of many, many southern California valleys, but the SFV is “THE” valley, like, ya’ know?) And, oh, btw, the Metro is amazing! Who knew that? And, it was packed! On a Saturday afternoon. Free parking at the NOHO depot, although if you are not a regular with a paid parking sticker you pay for your irregularity with a very long walk. All the close in spots are “reserved” for the swell people who commute into the city and wisely fork out the $$$$ for a monthly parking pass. We parked close to the California/Arizona border.

If it were not for the enthusiastic courtesy, not to mention the impressive tech savvy, of a youngish (let’s be honest- homeless) woman standing by the ticket vending wall, the Desto3 team would still be trying to figure out how to purchase our fare. The instructions were in English, but somehow our comprehension of English that day was deficient. She gave us enough time to properly embarrass ourselves looking stupid, and then she stepped right in and took over. Bip. Bam. Boom. In thirty seconds under her kind tutelage we got our “tap cards” ($1 and they last forever) and loaded our round trip fares, (just three stops into Hollywood and an unbelievable $.25 each way for senior citizens), and she was bidding us adieu. (I gave her $3 for her kindness. Pablo noted that my gratitude nullified his senior citizen discount, but what are you gonna do?) The encounter left me sadly wondering how come such an obviously clever girl with stupendous PR skills is voluntarily manning the Metro vending machine instead of running a corporation on Wilshire Boulevard. It seemed reasonable to me that with her smarts she could be the mayor of the city if she only but wanted to. This is one thing that you will wonder too, when you visit LA. We have a LOT of homeless people here. It’s our weather – which is better than anyplace else, if you don’t count earthquakes as weather. But LA homeless people have a cachet that the down and out just don’t have in other major metropolitan areas. And, every interaction, (like ours was at the Metro station) is really rather pleasant, kind of fun, like you have been included in an impromptu and enjoyable, if not entertaining, bit of performance art. Street theatre. It’s kind of like our legions of homeless people all secretly work for central casting and maybe they get paid for adding a little local color to our street scene. I know this sounds ridiculous, but, it’s also kind of true. You’ll see. When you come.

Anyway, that twenty five cent train fare takes you right into Hollywood and the Hollywood station is right across, and I mean RIGHT ACROSS, the street from the Pantages Theatre, (next to the W Hotel). The Metro line continues all the way downtown to Union Station where you can transfer down to the OC or even, if you are so inclined, take the Flyaway to LAX. I never thought I’d say these words, but, it’s actually possible to “do” LA without a car. Briefly. You could, for instance, if you don’t drive, and you want to see The Book Of Mormon, (which I totally recommend), fly in, take the Flyaway to Union Station and then take the Metro to the W and the Pantages. Be sure to get there early enough to stroll, (as we did), down The Walk of Stars, so that you too can visit the real sidewalk handprints of the famous and the forgotten. (I wonder if Doris Day ever thinks about all the old geezers down there in Hollywood hovering over her star and fondly remembering the misspent hours of their youth in unmentionable solitary activities with their ribald fantasies of her?) The inlaid stars of Hollywood Boulevard are a veritable bone yard of such memories and the “girls” who conjured them. (Most of whom have matriculated, so to speak, to the major movie studio in the sky. Is Doris still with us?) It’s a little creepy to put your hands into Marilyn’s handprints, but…you have to do it.

Doris Day

There are plenty of great little eateries right there within walking distance of the Pantages (and the W has a great lobby bar for before/after theatre snackies and drinks). This car-less field trip is just a thought, for those of you who love musicals, don’t live in New York City, and just can’t wait for The BoM to get to your town. The point is, everybody says you MUST get a car in LA, and that’s just not absolutely true anymore, thanks to the Metro.

There are other dubious mythologies about El Ay. One is the smog. Okay, we have our share. On a really bad day…the LA smog sucks big time. But, seriously? Our smog is no worse than any other city in America that has both freeways and vehicles of the combustion engine variety. Hello? Every city in America. On a good day, (or evening) we can see, maybe not forever, but, as was true this week…at least clearly to La Luna. Up in the Malibu State Park, the Desto3 team had no trouble shooting the total lunar eclipse. Take that you smoggy, foggy, overcast cities of the heartland.

Total Lunar Eclipse April 15, 2014
Total Lunar Eclipse April 15, 2014

DSC_5987_HDR

DSC_6008_HDR

The other old saw that simply isn’t true about LA (and its provinces) is, that it is a cultural wasteland. Not no mo, certainly not in NOHO, my friend. (North Hollywood), once upon a time, was horrible, HORRIBLE. Now, it’s a really, really cool little ‘hood. Think Brooklyn now that Brooklyn is the new Portland. And, speaking of Portland, think of NOHO as just as hip and cool as the Hawthorne District, but with the class and great little food and theatre scene of The Pearl and downtown PDX. Without all the rain. And, now that the Metro offers reliable mass transit, and a bunch of condo developers have changed the architectural landscape forever, it’s a happening little town from whence young urban professionals can commute into downtown. The LA hipsters used to say that it’s all about Silver Lake, or Echo Park, but check out NOHO which, for my money, feels lively without all the effort of those other (undeniably hip) neighborhoods. It’s organically hip. You know, like Portland.

Lynne Helen, Desto3’s world renowned restaurant critic, recommended The Bow and Truss on Magnolia in NOHO for dinner, and since we hit up The BoM matinee we happily got back to NOHO and over to the B&T in time for “happy hour” (until 7 pm on Saturdays). The wines by the glass were carefully chosen, only one of each varietal, but if you go by me, they were well chosen, and at half price during happy hour…well, it made me happy. Pablo ordered a custom margarita and Brendan, the bartender, did not disappoint him. I have noticed that some bartenders are careless with margaritas. It’s just lime juice and tequila, right? A little rock salt on the rim and you’re good to go. But, that young man over there behind the bar at the Bow & Truss…he is clearly one of the mighty few who sees his job as a mixologist differently. Watching Brendan work the bar was like watching Walter in the first few episodes of Breaking Bad. (Before Walt turned into a dirt-bag meth kingpin, you know, when he was still just a homespun high school chemistry teacher.) Brendan cares about quality. He wants his customers to be happy. You know? And, while we’re on the subject of happy, our table service was provided by Collette. Another real pro. In a town that is widely known for a food service work force all “moonlighting” as servers while they wait for that call from Steven Speilberg’s people, it was just nice to enjoy a restaurant experience with real professionals whose primary occupation was – hard to believe – hospitality.

I’d go back to the B&T just for that pleasure, but the food was really good, too. The mushroom tacos and the steak tacos were killer. Sadly, I did not leave room for dessert and they looked unusually tempting. (The reason I need to return to North Hollywood, I guess.)

Another reason would be the well reviewed performing arts center, right down the street. The NOHO PAC is 5000 square feet of awesomeness. Designed to be multi-purpose with its 1000 square foot lobby, a 1000 square foot dance studio, and a 2000 square foot performance space, the facility was “constructed with the artist in mind”. We saw a beautiful woman walking down Magnolia toward the PAC carrying flowers, no doubt intended for the evening’s performing diva. Indeed, the lovely Grace, with her bouquet, was a sight worthy of 42nd Street and Broadway. It made me wish we had opening night tickets.

NOHO

But, LA in its sprawling vigor, is home to hundreds, maybe thousands, of tiny little performance venues. Live music? Great acoustics? That new young band that everyone’s not talking about…yet? Hit up The Goodhurt on Venice Blvd. in Venice, or, a smaller, more intimate place with real story teller and singer song-writer history, The Whitzend on Lincoln Blvd. On Tuesday night I saw “Beneath My Father’s Sky”, a “one-woman show” by Zara Phillips (not the princess, the other Zara Phillips, out of Jersey, and she was superb). The opener was a young singer-song writer, Keaton Simons, and this will not be the last time you hear either of those names. I promise you. One of the finest things about LA is that the city and its outlying communities are dripping with stellar talent and any night of the week you might be fortunate enough to catch the up and comers. (Somebody saw Bruno Mars for a two drink minimum before his concert tickets cost $800, right?)

The Santa Monica Pier
The Santa Monica Pier

LA also boasts an endless variety of “foreign” food joints for your dining pleasure. From little hole in the wall places that get their spices shipped to them by relatives in the homeland, and the new Food Truck army, to YOU NAME IT hoity toity Peruvian Restaurants that charge for a dinner for four what it used to cost for a new car. It’s all available if you only look. Generally, LA is not known as one of the world’s greater “food capitals” but, if you steer clear of the tourist traps, you will be pleasantly surprised. Just know that LA closes up shop early compared to cities like Rome, or Madrid where the dinner hour doesn’t even begin until 10 p.m. Even New York has lots more to offer in terms of “late night” fare. Angelinos, after ten p.m., are ingesting all their calories from alcoholic beverages (as a rule).

Aside from show biz, the city’s most popular attraction is the beach, and Venice Beach is THE most popular. True: According to the tourist bureau, Venice Beach is the #2 tourist attraction in all of California, #1 being our venerable wine country. Considering that the Big Sur, Lake Tahoe and Yosemite National Park are all here, what does this say about the kind of tourists we attract? Shallow ones, that’s the kind. (Hey, Disneyland is in our backyard, right?) Or maybe, just maybe, Venice is popular for another reason. On Venice Beach Boardwalk you can (for around $50) obtain your “medical marijuana” license which enables you to legally purchase and carry very small “medically necessary” quantities of high grade hooch. Could there be a link? Let’s all just watch and see what happens to the Venice Beach Medical establishment now that our neighbors, Colorado and Washington State have legalized the devil weed completely requiring NO licensure whatsoever.

The J. Paul Getty Villa
The J. Paul Getty Villa

Whatever. If you aren’t in town for the acquisition of relatively legal marihoochie, perhaps you’ll be interested in this comprehensive list of museums:

As you can readily see, we’re not just about surf’s-up-dude and show biz glitz and glamour. We’ve got substance. And, Disney characters, who, (for a price) will pose for a selfie with you in front of the Hollywood sign.

Come visit. And, oh, have a nice day!

Staircase at the Getty Museum
Staircase at the Getty Museum

The Arctic Circle

DSC_5657 - Version 2 (1)Greetings from Bettles, Alaska!

The news here is: there is dissension in the Desto3 ranks! Serious stuff. Without too much detail, my position is that the main purpose of a travel guide is to, you know, guide, (provide others with helpful travel tips, etc.), but Pablo thinks I want to take my mission too far with this issue. Okay.

Let’s talk about constipation. Constipation and Al Pacino. If you read that sentence fragment and said to yourself, “Wow, Doris, Desto3 must be in Alaska!” chances are very good, (I’d say between 98 and 100%) that you also have been north of the Arctic Circle for your share of days. In which case, I’m not talking to you because you already know that in the dead of winter, (late March it’s still minus 20 degrees) it is prohibitively costly to acquire any comestible product remotely resembling roughage. (I personally overheard two Bettles Lodge staff members discussing the consumption of an apple with the linguistic torque of two drug addicts talking about mainlining primo heroin. And, one night, at dinner, I casually mentioned that I’d consider homicide to obtain a piece of kale and NO ONE knew what kale was, let alone how to purchase it. Apparently, you don’t even want to know what happens to lettuce in five seconds at twenty below zero. It isn’t pretty.)

So, in the interests of advising you on absolute essentials to take along, should you venture up for the northern lights in mid March, DO NOT FORGET the laxatives. (And, I don’t mean a bag of prunes or that herbal tea hippie shit – you’ll pardon the expression and the expletive. If you’re smart, you’ll bring whatever medicinal equivalent to intestinal dynamite you can get your hands on.) Trust me. The discomfort of being break-your-nuts cold is one thing. Break-your-nuts cold and also impacted with four or five days of poo is quite another. I don’t recommend. (This advice comes from a traveler who usually has no problem with regularity…perhaps, when traveling, a trifle of the opposite disorder, just FYI – if that’s not altogether TMI for you. If it is, just leave a nasty comment, make Pablo’s day and get on with yours. Thank you.)

Aurora #1

Are you now wondering about the Al Pacino reference? If you haven’t already seen it, go immediately to Netflix and order up “Insomnia”. This is a movie shot on location in a remote part of Alaska in which Mr. Pacino plays a big city detective assisting Hillary Swank in the manhunt of (Robin Williams) a really creepy dude. The scenery is to die for and, aptly titled, this movie is a very realistic depiction of how absolutely impossible it is to sleep in Alaska when the sun never sets. Note: in late March, the days and nights are almost equal with the days growing longer by approximately 7 minutes each day. So we didn’t have to contend with never ending daylight. We were up all hours of the night however to shoot the Aurora Borealis, so we got just a taste of the kind of sleep deprivation that the endless daylight of summer provides and that Mr. Pacino suffered. (See photos.)

Aurora #3

Toward the goal of capturing the Aurora, there are two basic strategies. One is to just stay up all night and sleep during the day, and the other is to try to grab some intermittent sleep, by setting your alarm clock on the hour, to get up, dress in arctic gear, and run outside to see if the “lights” are active. (The weather service up there also phones the lobby of the lodge if “activity” is spotted, but you have to trust them and then trust that whoever answers the phone in the lobby will come and wake you up. (I don’t trust anyone that much.) I exercised strategy number one. Sleeping enough during the day to compensate is not an option because the lodge offers so many FUN activities to engage in. Snow shoeing, cross country skiing, dog sledding, (or “mushing” as the locals call it), snow mobile-ing, and a spectacular, (but pricey) “Sight See Flight” that takes you up even farther north over the Brooks Mountain range.

View of the Arctic National Park from the scenic flight
View of the Arctic National Park from the scenic flight

We did it all, which meant that by the end of day three, plus two nights to get to the lodge via Anchorage and Fairbanks, I was sleep deprived and constipated AND colder than I’ve ever been in my life. In short, miserable. And, yet, I LOVED this trip and you will too. I promise.

Other insights: Don’t fear the cold. The cold is actually your friend for viewing the lights. (There is some correlation between really cold, clear nights and visible lights.) You don’t have to buy all the cold weather gear to go up there because the industrial grade arctic wear provided by the lodge (from head to toe) has you covered, including the same boots that US military personnel are issued in Afghanistan. My problem was that I shelled out $150 bucks for Sorrell snow boots on sale at REI (rated to withstand temps of minus 32 degrees) and, damn it! I was going to wear those suckers come hell or high water, (or frost bite). Once I surrendered fashion and checked out the utilitarian boots and garments provided, I have to admit, I was warm as toast. (Almost.) (No charge for clothing and boots with the package.)

Bettles Lodge

Regarding the photography, before you go up, read everything you can get your hands on about shooting in the arctic cold. It will help if you are prepared. Also, know in advance that just like any other natural “event”, sometimes you just don’t get lucky. Of the three nights our guys shot photos, only two were really good. The third night was cold and perfectly clear, but alas, no Aurora presented that night. The stars, on the other hand that Aurora-less night, were out of this world. (Sorry. Couldn’t resist. And, that was also true. Never saw a better night sky ever!)

Stary Night

You might be tempted to skip the dog sledding because it is not included in the package and it’s a little pricey. (It cost almost $500 for two people for two hours.) Don’t, though. Sell your old Van Gogh on EBay if you have to. It was a once in a lifetime highlight. And, when are you ever going to be inside the Arctic Circle again? YOLO, right? Fun fact: sled dogs poop WHILE they are running. And, they eat between 10,000 and 12,000 calories per day when running. And, they are NOT big dogs. (See photo.) Eleven of them pulled three of us for two hours with only a short rest. They are amazing to watch from up on the rails.

dog sledding

Alaskan human residents are just as interesting, even more than the sled dogs. In “Insomnia” one character tells Pacino, “There are two kinds of people in Alaska: those who were born here and those who come here to escape something.” We only met a handful of “native-born” Alaskans. One thing I can say is, they are all wildly proud of their state. The émigrés from southern climes who have found home up there do possess a certain demeanor, as if they are all in on a secret that outsiders will never know, or perhaps they are all members in a cult. Most of them came up “just to see it” and fell in love. This kind of love for a place that has two seasons – Mosquitos and Cold, (mosquitos as big as humming birds and freeze your nuts off cold) – is curious, but, the place is like no other and that might be the draw. A very common migratory pattern emerged. People lived someplace cold, then moved to a place that was colder, then moved to a place that was intolerably cold and then they moved to Alaska. During mosquito season when temps can reach the nineties and the sun never sets, the locals wear “bug jackets”, gloves, and netting to cover their heads. Does this sound like hell to you? People swarm up there for the fishing and hunting and climbing. (And, presumably scratching.)

Be sure to visit the park ranger station in Bettles, a surprisingly well appointed little affair complete with a video room and a NOVA documentary ready to go at your request with a truly fascinating history of the indigenous tribe that followed the caribou and primarily derived everything they needed to survive from that one source.

We flew back to Fairbanks for a second stay-over at Pike’s lodge. Except for some disorganization arising from being short staffed, I would heartily recommend Pike’s. (Warning: You will faint dead away at the front door if you’re a PETA person, but, hey, that’s Alaska. You will have to get over that quick. There are gigantic mounted moose heads and whole stuffed bears EVERYWHERE, even in the bathrooms in Alaska.)

In the early morning we hopped on the train that runs down to Anchorage, a twelve hour (almost) train ride that cuts through the heart of the Denali National Forest. Pray for a clear day and you will see the top of Denali itself, the largest peak in America, maybe all of North America. 12K to the top. It’s a long day so unless you love train car food, bring a picnic and lots of H2O and make friends with your fellow passengers. We had a great but long day.

 

View of Denali and Mt. McKinley from the Alaskan Railroad
View of Denali and Mt. McKinley from the Alaskan Railroad

What to say about Anchorage? Without a doubt it is a beautiful little gem of a small city. We were told that the museum is world class and it does look nice, but alas, closed every Monday. I was sad about that because I REALLY got curious about what kind of art was housed within. (Can someone please inform me?)

That’s all I can say about Alaska. If it isn’t on your bucket list, it should be. And, congratulations to Pablo who is now a member of the Fifty States Club.

The Barossa Valley

The Rose Garden at Jacob Creek Retreat
The Rose Garden at Jacob Creek Retreat

Dateline: Barossa Valley, Tununda, AU

The Barossa Valley is a 1.5 hour car transfer from the airport in Adelaide. By private car around $200 AU. Driving a rental out of the car hire at the Adelaide airport would be cheaper and you would then have the use of the car while staying out in wine country, but Americans and Europeans will need a GPS and possibly a back seat driver to remind them to stay on the left hand side of the road. If you plan to tour around, or stay for some time, a car is a necessity though. We made due with rented bicycles and taxis.

In Australia drive on the left
In Australia drive on the left

Jacob’s Creek Winery is one of the largest, (in Australia) exporting world wide. They have a very large hotel, but from afar, it looks just like any big-name chain hotel surrounded by the requisite massive parking lot and mondo-sized tour busses.

The Jacob’s Creek Retreat is NOT affiliated with the Jacob’s Creek Winery but instead sits about 6 clicks from the affable little town of Tununda on property that is owned by the Moorooroo Winery. Moorooroo is a tiny boutique vintner that exports (almost) nowhere. Turns out that Jacob’s Creek (a slow moving, almost dry little creek) is an area landmark, hence the name can be utilized by any business owner who can reasonably claim a relationship to the creek itself. Up until several years ago the Moorooroo winery owner (and vintner), who originally and lovingly developed the entire property, ran both businesses, the hotel, what Aussies call the “accommodations”, and also the winery tasting room. They have since turned the operations of the accommodations over to a separate, but co-operative, owner.

Our Accommodations at the Winery
Our Accommodations at the Winery

In November, (summer time in AU) your intro to the retreat starts off a gravel road amidst vineyards heavy laden with emerald vines. (No discernible fruit yet.) The tasting room for Moorooroo is a delightful reproduction of a French country “cave” where a tasting of five selections can be had for only $5 and nothing at all if you purchase at least one bottle of wine. They are known for their Shiraz and for good reason. Even if you don’t stay on the property, (although I highly recommend that you do) you should pay a visit to Moorooroo and do a tasting. You will thank me.

wine tasting

A quick call from the cellar staff will summon Charles who is the proprietor now of the accommodations. Charles plays the butler in Hollywood’s latest period epic about the British upper class. He will deliver you to your room or suite and give you a quick tour of the grounds. Although the vintage of the buildings is deceptively 18th century French countryside, only one of them is authentic. The rest were constructed in the late 1990s. The remodel completely fooled me. Our suite, The Orlando, reminded me so much of a country house we rented in Sarlat in the Dordogne region of France, (maybe because of the genuine period pieces which furnish the suite), I felt a bit disoriented. (Is this Australia?)

The only thing modern about the lodgings would be the excellent plumbing and electrical. Everything in that realm works and works consistently and well, including the oversized corner Jacuzzi tub and large double plumbed shower heads. (The only thing a Frenchman will find missing in the bathroom is a bidet. Like Americans, and unlike the French, apparently Aussies run around in life with dirty coochies.) Each room boasts a completely silent LG air con unit, separately controlled. There are two “tellies” in the suite and a radio, (no dvd player), a small fridge, a cook top, a microwave and ample space to settle in and cook and enjoy a nice light supper or lunch. The period lamps offer lovely, romantic lighting and some overhead lights can be dimmed for the romantique effect.

A highlight is the king-sized bed, dressed in crisp white bed sheets and a lovely down duvet. (Extremely comfortable!) Morning brekky is served at a very civilized 9:00 a.m. – 10 a.m. and offers a fresh fruit platter, juice, a selection of cereals, good freshly baked bread, scrambled eggs, baked tomatoes, mushrooms, sausages and bacon.

Aside from the staff ministrations, which are superb, (no request is too great), a gorgeous, large, infinity swimming pool, spectacular grounds (think mini Versailles) and the tasting experience at Moorooroo, visitors will love that wifi is available in the lovely Pavillion (where brekky is served) and (at least in Orlando), an espresso machine with ample coffee gives access to coffee around the clock.

Jacob’s Creek Retreat gets my highest rating for both “accommodations” and a splendid intimate wine tasting. (You’ll be lucky if Rachel is pouring. She’s a gem and they don’t pay her enough whatever they are paying her.)

Cafe in Tanunda
Cafe in Tanunda

We rented bikes from the Barossa Bike Hire (see trip notes) and they were delivered and picked up at a reasonable rate. Not to sound like a snob, but the biking around the wine country is equivalent to California’s minor wine districts, Temecula in San Diego County and up in Santa Barbara, with a nice long bike path winding through vineyards and little towns for miles. It isn’t bike heaven like it is up Napa/Sonoma way, or in Everywhere, France. They are definitely coming along though, as they are in wine production. There’s a pretty big grocery store on the main drag of Tanunda but the town needs a gourmet deli and cheese shop badly. That said, the young ladies who work in the market will go out of their  way to equip you for a basic picnic.

In conclusion, if your singular goal in life is to visit all the great wine districts of the world, then, by all means, you MUST go to the Barossa Valley. Also, if life takes you somehow to Adelaide, go ahead, go out there for an extended weekend. On the other hand, if you are in search ONLY of the penultimate wine country experiences, and time or money are limited…eh…there are better. Just, imho. But, either way, if you do go, definitely bring me back a bottle of that Moorooroo Shiraz in your checked luggage. I’ll pay you back. I promise.

Port Douglas, The Rainforest and the Great Barrier Reef

The Great Barrier Reef from a Helicoptor
The Great Barrier Reef from a Helicoptor

Dateline: Port Douglas

"The Sisters"
“The Sisters”

Now we’re talkin’! THIS is how you want to get picked up at the airport (in Cairns). A private shuttle up coast an hour and a half to the yachty little town of Port Douglas is just the ticket. The “sisters”, as we came to call them, are right out of Hollywood central casting. “Marie” and “Denise” play your long lost and adorable Aussie cousins who couldn’t be happier to see you and cannot do enough to make your visit to the little town of Port Douglas both memorable and perfect in all respects. The Coral Sea Retreat. A little gem of a place just a short ride up the hill into the rain forest from the town proper and hovering above the beach.

Our guide "Pete"
Our guide “Pete”

Pablo found our guide to the Daintree Rain Forest on the internet among many who offer similar tours. The Daintree Rain Forest merits World Heritage Nature Site status because it is the oldest rain forest in the world. (The Great Barrier Reef gets the same distinction because it is the largest living coral reef in the world.) Pete got our reservation prior to leaving the states because of his prompt and witty responses to all of Pablo’s email inquiries. We knew he was going to be “our kind of guide” from his emails. We were not disappointed.

Thus said, Pete is a capital C Character. One part Crocodile Dundee, one part parish Vicar, and one part your favorite professor of Everything, Pete made me wish the day didn’t have to end. It was like hanging out with Bill Nye the Science Guy for a day. Truly, I wanted to invite him to come and have dinner and a pint with us, but Pablo reminded me that hanging out with us is the guy’s j.o.b. and he got off work at 5 o’clock. Pete’s just the kind of tour guide who becomes your new BFF. Being a “people person” is a skill and one that is highly valued in the tourism industry but few people can do it in a way that is so genuine and engaging you literally forget that you PAID for the service. Pete is the best of the rare breed.

He will pick you up from your lodging (early pick up, 7 am) in his brand new, totally geared up range rover. Pete’s tours are private (your group can be no larger than 6 people) so there is a slight tariff for the privilege of not riding in a large van with 16 sweating tourists, but we have found that a private tour is well worth the added expense under some circumstances. A tour of the rain forest would definitely be one of those circumstances. Our first “desto” for the day long tour was a boat ride up the Daintree river. Because it was mating season, the crocs were otherwise engaged (presumably doing the nasty up some creek) and so we didn’t get to see one, but our boat captain was a veritable font of information re: all things Crocodylidae nevertheless.

rainforestFruit
Fruit in the Rainforest. What can I eat?

On most of the standard “big” group tours I doubt that they venture very far into the forest on foot. Judging from the “path” (I use the word in the loosest possible connection to its meaning) we were on, we were the first human beings to do so. Along the way, Pete stopped every few feet to pick up and inspect every kind of insect and point out every kind of flora with a very colorful lecture. (He encouraged us to lick the green butts of some large ants saying, “they taste quite a bit like the Starburst candies”. Uh. No thanks, Pete.) His oration was centered around the improbable scenario wherein your plane crashes and you survive the crash but you are in the middle of an impenetrable rain forest without food or water. (Maybe just some teeny tiny bottles of Hiram Walker from the beverage cart survive the crash.) Pete really wanted us to survive our ordeal. Hence, his repeated earnest inquiry, “How will you know what is edible?” I took a photo of one specimen and asked Siri but she responded with a web search that turned up a link to “Christian Literature”. ??????

(Note to self: check into app idea for surviving a plane crash in the rain forest.)

We learned more than we could retain, but every single minute was highly entertaining nonetheless. Trekking deep into the forest, Pete took us to a kind of natural shrine formed by three enormous trees that reminded us of the sort in Cambodia (featured in the Lara Croft movie). This was a truly spiritual site for Pete and I feel honored to have been his guest there. (Thanks, Pete!)

Sacred Rainforest Tree
Sacred Rainforest Tree

Next up, we drove down to the beach to Cape Tribulation where Pete’s vast knowledge veered into oceanography and ocean related biology and Australian history. The most adventurous thing I did on the tour (besides promise to not freak out if a leach hopped a ride onto my person) was to taste some “happy flowers” (mushroom taste) which are known to be eaten in large quantities by the local “hippies”. (Yes, they are still around these parts, like vestiges of the ‘60s replete with dreads and tie dyed clothing, though I suppose the political aspirations have changed some. It seems more a lifestyle choice and fashion statement to these “hippies”, although they are the foundation of the artsy fartsy crowd up in Kuranda – more on this place later.)

Cape Tribulation
Cape Tribulation

Pete’s tour is sun-up to sun-down and you will be exhausted upon your return. For this reason we opted to have “the sisters” make dinner for us and serve it in the “tree house”, literally a large “great room” that sits atop the rainforest canopy and looks down to the beach. By far the two dinners we ate in the tree house were my favorite in Port Douglas, even over the joint that boasted to be Bill Clinton’s favorite eatery (when Bill is in P.D.). It’s a clue when you see a bunch of “Gourmet” mags lying about the inn, don’t you think? Breakfasts were among the best I’ve ever eaten anywhere at any B&B and you know how those B&Bers like to wow you at brekkie.

Train to Kuranda
Train to Kuranda

Our second tour was by “shared van” but it was only a half day tour, the journeys were short, and the van had great AC, so…doable. (I know. Sometimes I hate myself.) Anyway, Brett’s Half Day Tour up to Kuranda was well worth doing and not expensive for all you got with it. (See notes for details about the train ride up to Kuranda.) Kuranda is the “hippie town” and it will make you feel like you entered a time warp. The crafts market was great and I was forced to re-evaluate my previous uncharitable remarks about Australian art. It’s there. It’s just up in the mountains. (Be sure to find Amanda of Amanda Designs up there in the crafts market. Beautiful stuff. I only wish I’d bought a ton more of it.) Also, the BEST gallery of aboriginal art in P.D. (maybe anywhere) Doongal Aboriginal Art is up there too. (Notes again.) They specialize in didgeridoos if you are in the market. (They ship to the states, too!)

Aboriginal Didgeridoos
Aboriginal Didgeridoos

Also, because the big attraction to this area is generally thought to be The Great Barrier Reef, no trip here would be complete without going there. You CAN take a boat out and snorkel, but if you can  swing it, do yourself a big favor and splurge on a private helicopter. Words fail me to describe the experience. So worthwhile. There are a few companies that offer these rides and we took gbrhelicopters without a recommendation and just lucked out. I can’t imagine changing a thing….oh wait, I might sit up front next time so that when the pilot cavalierly asks if I want to take the controls, I will know enough to decline the invitation. I can’t say that Pablo was in possession of the same wisdom, and I have to say that for a few tense moments there as we flew over the rain forest canopy, (dense as a vast green carpet), I was actually fearful that we might have to employ Pete’s survival guide anecdotes. (Was it the black bugs with the red spots that will kill you in an instant, or was it the red bugs with the black spots?) It’s a guy thing. They think that they can “drive” anything.

The Barrier Reef from a Helicoptor
The Barrier Reef from a Helicoptor

Check the trip notes for restaurant advice in P.D. And, finally, know that if you plan to go to Port Douglas for beach time you’d be wise to avoid the “stinger” season. Four Mile Beach is gorgeous, but you can only swim in the tiny “net” they put up to keep the stingers out. (Jelly fish. One variety the size of your little pinkie finger will kill you deader than a flat rock in two seconds.

Four Mile Beach, Port Douglas
Four Mile Beach, Port Douglas

Finally, the sisters will drive you back to Cairns (even at the crack of dawn) and stop along the way for a wallaby siting. Next desto for us, the wine country of Australia!